I did it
to preserve your life, keep you safe, shield you from the outside, I swear.
And look
what happened.
They got in. You are gone.
On a rainy Friday I clomped over the dying
grass and fallen evergreen boughs. Not ever-green when they fade into yellow-brown
in the field. I stepped into the garden with sticks and fabric and clothespins in my hand. I
was doing you a favor before the big snow.
Snow! 20 degrees would disappear in the night
and droplets would turn to slushlets would turn to clumps of white then the
most delicate whispers of clouds compressed into a speck on my upturned cheek.
I would be up at 3am with spring on my mind, step out in nightclothes and boots
to glance up at the swirling soft water above and over at you hidden under a
white winter dress.
I wish I could say it was the fault of the
clothespins I used to patch and pinch your coverings.
No, it was my lack of thought that did you in. There I was on that Friday before Saturday snow, mittens wet and heavy as I pushed poles into the earth and unraveled fabric over the newly made bridges. I placed rocks and boards and bits of dirt on the edges, clipped the spare pieces together. I wiped rain out of my eyes and wiggled my toes in cold boots. I looked around at the bare blueberry shrubs and the straw covered garlic bed. I breathed in slowly and smiled at my work. At least some of you would be protected, I thought. The other kale of your brethren, well, they would have to fend for themselves under the ice. The sun set and I couldn’t save you all.
No, it was my lack of thought that did you in. There I was on that Friday before Saturday snow, mittens wet and heavy as I pushed poles into the earth and unraveled fabric over the newly made bridges. I placed rocks and boards and bits of dirt on the edges, clipped the spare pieces together. I wiped rain out of my eyes and wiggled my toes in cold boots. I looked around at the bare blueberry shrubs and the straw covered garlic bed. I breathed in slowly and smiled at my work. At least some of you would be protected, I thought. The other kale of your brethren, well, they would have to fend for themselves under the ice. The sun set and I couldn’t save you all.
Saturday morning, snowday, the sun ricocheted
off the whiteness of the valley. I squinted into the stillness and tromped
through the powder. Snow! I hadn’t seen snow in years and I was as giddy as a
five year old in a mud puddle as I stomped and stopped and listened, placed handfuls of snow on
my tongue, marveled at the fences adorned with steep white peaks.
I walked to where you stood. Your house was
partially toppled and covered with inches of hardening crystals. I brushed them off as best I
could before my hands turned yellowy blue. I found where the ice had weighed down and torn the
fabric. It was too stiff to mend. But you were still safe underneath all that fabric, all that snow.
I waited until the following afternoon to
return and when I did your home came alive with movement. What was going on in
there? A pair of wings, a trembling body tumbled out of the tear and
disappeared into the woods in a flash of brown and gray. I could hear more
birds inside. Nice! I thought. Now the birds have a place to keep warm!
I slowly crept back to the garden gate, not wanting to scare them away.
I slowly crept back to the garden gate, not wanting to scare them away.
I did not
know they were feasting upon your limbs.
I checked on you again the following day,
checked to see if the birds were still snuggling against your greenery. No
birds, no greenery. Just thin stems of what you used to be. All of this
preparation and effort to keep you safe, to shelter you: it was preparation for your demise.
Maybe you’ll grow back. Maybe. But probably not. You are tired, broken, spent.
It makes me wonder how often I do this. How
many times I carefully erect barriers to keep the cold out, keep the growing
bits of me safe only to attract a haven for my predators. The kale plants
outside may be frozen, but at least the leaves are intact, they will thaw when it warms up. Most likely they will survive a bit longer. This cold actually makes them sweeter.
The
ones inside are mangled and ragged. My best intentions gone awry. Or am I feeding the universe in a different
way? Maybe those birds were actually the ones I was meant to protect and I just thought it was the
kale that I needed to keep safe, nourished, warm?
(As if I can protect! As if Nature needs me to keep beings safe!)
(As if I can protect! As if Nature needs me to keep beings safe!)
In the grand
plan, unbeknownst to me, perhaps I was building a home for the birds instead of a
refuge for the dying kale whose season was done, a season I attempted to
prolong unnaturally.
I attracted what I had thought were predators but were actually pilgrims.
I attracted what I had thought were predators but were actually pilgrims.
And thus killed the kale.
So in the future do I do nothing? What does Doing Nothing look like?
Or do I do everything, trusting that my actions serve what needs to grow even if the outcome seems to be a contradiction of the preparation?
Yes. And more of yes. And more of ice tearing open the covers and exposing the wilting within. And more of wings and warm beating hearts fluttering in the snow. And more yes and more moonlight on the sparkling fields and strange words uttered to the garden posts after days alone in the trees and wind and white.
So in the future do I do nothing? What does Doing Nothing look like?
Or do I do everything, trusting that my actions serve what needs to grow even if the outcome seems to be a contradiction of the preparation?
Yes. And more of yes. And more of ice tearing open the covers and exposing the wilting within. And more of wings and warm beating hearts fluttering in the snow. And more yes and more moonlight on the sparkling fields and strange words uttered to the garden posts after days alone in the trees and wind and white.
And more yes and darkness and growth.
And yes. I
am sorry kale and I am not.
